News of the Weird/Pro Edition
You're Still Not Cynical Enough
Prime Cuts of Underreported News from Last Week, Hand-Picked and Lightly Seasoned by Chuck Shepherd
July 26, 2010
(datelines July 17-July 24) (links correct as of July 26)
© 2010 by Chuck Shepherd. All rights reserved.
Money Buys Tender Flesh (and Alan Dershowitz), Plus Ugly Criminals, Roadkill Beer, and Pink Vigilantes
★ ★ ★ ★ ★!
Ephebophilia Legalized in Florida: Well, if you're hedge fund billionaire Jeffrey Epstein (friends: Bill Clinton, Ehud Barak, Prince Andrew, the Council on Foreign Relations), and you can pay your teenagers from abroad enough not to complain, you get a laughably mild "house arrest" for a year, and then case closed. The FBI and local police said there were up to 40 youngsters, but the federal prosecutors thought they'd make bad witnesses, especially after Alan Dershowitz for the defense started sliming the girls one-by-one as soon as the prosecutor ID'd them. [ed.: Essay Question: Is it Epstein's Jewishness that makes him the Dershowitz-required "oppressed person" in this case?] (Bonus: And anyway, who can't find enslutting evidence about girls on Facebook?) Daily Beast
Brilliance, in Five Words or Less: Candidates running independent of a party in Wisconsin are entitled to five words alongside their name on the ballot (because "Republican" and "Democrat" are so rich in meaning). Use them wisely. Ms. Ieshuh Griffin, running for the Milwaukee city council, chose "NOT the 'whiteman's bitch.'" (No can do, officials said.) Milwaukee Journal Sentinel
Everything But the Colon Repair Kit: A senior embalmer at the Memphis Funeral Home saved up the tools he used in 1977 on The King and will offer them at auction in August (including rubber gloves, forceps, lip brushes, comb and eye liner, arterial tube, aneurysm hooks, stuff like that). Reuters via MSNBC
A Genuine "Writing" Contest: Former BBC reporter Reg Turnill sponsored a £1,000-prize short-story competition to honor H.G. Wells, but it attracted not a single entry. The problem, Turnill acknowledges, is that, in trying to honor sound creative-writing habits, he required that all stories be written out by hand. Kent News
But There's Also Good News in Literature: For the Toronto Burlesque Festival last week at the Gladstone Hotel, five models stripped down for "Naked Girls Reading." They chose their own texts, and it turns out they actually do know how to read. The Globe and Mail (Toronto)
The Theory Behind Your Weekly Jury Duty: It's anthropometry, or physiognomy, or something like that, according to the July Fortean Times. Ugly people commit more crimes than we attractive people do (flat noses, "thieves"; one-sided grins, "brutality"). We lookers have more options in life to stay on the side of light. Better job opportunities. Better first impressions. Apparently, the ugly soon lose hope at the unfairness of it all. [ed.: I wish there was something I could do for you ugly people, but I'm just one man.] Fortean Times
Losers
Napalm in the Morning: To the police chief in Florala, Ala., answering a disturbing-the-peace call, the smell was strong. Several gas cans were open throughout the house. Juliana Bryant, 33, said that was because she "liked the smell." (She was jailed.) Mobile Press-Register [citing Andalusia Star-News]
Mr. Sitha Hen, 35, was caught in the act in Mannheim Township, Pa., trying to break into the Labor Ready temp agency in the middle of the night . . by chiseling through the brick wall. (Bonus: OK, why?) Lancaster New Era
Mr. Jimmy Lee was sentenced to 32 weeks in jail for breaking into Khonat's Newsagents in Blackburn, England. They caught him when he came back in to ask if anybody'd found his choppers, which he had left at the scene. Blackburn Citizen
Horatio Toure was arrested in San Francisco, about 10 minutes after he stole a cell phone from a woman . . who was where she was only because she was testing her company's GPS-tracking system in real time . . and guess what, Horatio? It works. San Francisco Chronicle
Recurring Themes: (1) Dine 'n' Dash (except don't forget to take your purse when you dash). (Bonus: Livin' Large--a $39 tab at the Waffle House) (2) If you shoplift a security camera from a store that sells security cameras, they've probably got security cameras trained on you. (3) Don't forget your getaway-car keys. (Bonus: When police arrived, the bank robber was still there, furiously trying to smash through her window with a tire iron.) Associated Press via News-Leader (Springfield, Mo.) /// Associated Press via KCRG-TV (Cedar Rapids, Iowa) /// Chico (Calif.) Enterprise Record
Strange World
In Jerusalem, Arab Sabbar Kashur, 30, was sentenced to 18 months in prison for rape for "deceiving" a Jewish woman into the sack by claiming to be a Member of the Tribe when he's not. (But whatever standard the judges came up with to decide this will inevitably put all of us smooth-talking men on the defensive.) Haaretz (Tel Aviv)
A British brewery issued End of History beer, so called because (a) it's 110 proof and (b) it's served in taxidermied roadkill, a "completely new approach to beer," said the co-founder. The Independent (London)
U.S. tourist Jean Barnard, in her sixties, was on holiday in Australia, on a Qantas hopper to Darwin, and as she took her seat, a 3-year-old next to her yelled a death scream directly into her ear. She's now "stone cold deaf" and suing Qantas in a lawsuit that's crawling along. (Bonus e-mail from Barnard to a pal: "Had it not been for [my exploding eardrum and the fact that I was swallowing blood], I would have dragged that kid out of his mother's arms and stomped him to death. Then we would have had an 'international incident.'") Australian Associated Press via News.com.au
The Indian state of Uttar Pradesh is among its most, er, "traditional," meaning husbands still routinely beat the hell out of their wives, but for several years now, Ms. Sampat Pal Devi, now 40, has organized the gulabis ("pinkgang," vigilantes in pink saris) that visit the husbands and fathers and attempt reasoning (and if that fails, return in large numbers, armed with bamboo sticks). In her four years' operation, Pal has seen women's influence grow in positions of leadership throughout Uttar Pradesh and India. (Bonus: That's unfortunate, she says, because women are often more corrupt than the men they replace, and wives and daughters still prefer to get help from the gulabis and not the government.) Slate
Your Editor doesn't understand the problem, but it says here that the townspeople are tired of tourists ripping off their signs and have now commissioned a theft-proof granite marker. Why in the world would they be having that problem in County Dorset, in the village of Shitterton? Daily Telegraph
That's Messed Up
Did the red-light camera in Columbus, Ohio, catch you? That'll be $95, please. What? You're innocent, and you demand a hearing? OK, that'll be $95, please. (If you win, you get your money back, theoretically, but only under the legal doctrine of "taking our own sweet time about it.") WBNS-TV
Undoubtedly the nation's thinnest-skinned office-holder is Alderman Stephen Hipskind of Elmhurst, Ill. When citizen Darlene Heslop spoke to a committee meeting and didn't get what she wanted, she "rolled her eyes," "sighed," and walked away. Hipskind immediately demanded that the City Attorney explore whether Heslop could be charged under the "disturbance and disorderly conduct" section governing the city's meetings. Chicago Tribune
Washington, D.C.,'s school system is in catastrophic decline. The chancellor just fired 241 teachers. [ed.: How could that be? Just a couple of years ago, before Michelle Rhee took over, nearly every one of D.C.'s teachers was rated "outstanding" (even though the system, itself, was the country's most expensive and worst-performing). How could the teachers have deteriorated so quickly? The only solution: Fire Michelle Rhee. Bring back the outstanding teachers!] New York Times
The Pervo Community
It was bad enough that a 33-year-old transvestite was caught mounting a dog in the dry moat of Britain's historic Pendennis Castle in Cornwall. But then also last week, Anthony Julies was in Wynberg Magistrates' Court in Cape Town, South Africa, after being caught having sex with a neighbor's poodle. (He didn't even stop when the neighbors gathered around to shame him, because, he said, it "wasn't right" to start something and then stop. Also, he said, "[T]he dog mustn't flaunt herself like that." Daily Telegraph /// Independent Online (Cape Town)
Your Weekly Jury Duty
[In America, you're presumed innocent . . . until the mug shot is released]
Is Lori Turner, 39, the sort of person who would try to scam a McD's (by distracting the clerk, removing a burger from her take-out bag, stuffing it down her pants, then complaining that she didn't get it)? Spartanburg Herald-Journal (Spartanburg, S.C.)
If your idea of an animal rights activist/vegan is a Berkeley hippie., Walter Bond, 34, would like you on his jury. The Smoking Gun
Updates & Recurring Themes
Update: Kwame Kirkpatrick just can't stay out of trouble. The ex-mayor of Detroit is doing hard time for lying in court [NOTW M169, 7-4-2010], and now he's about to have jail privileges taken away because, during his last visit from his wife, he violated rules by copping a feel. CNN
Update: News of the Weird first mentioned Kopi Luwak in 1993 [NOTW 301, 11-12-1993], but it seems about once a year, an entry-level reporter somewhere in the world will discover that, hey, there's a coffee made from beans swallowed and excreted by an Asian civet (cat), and (after washing and roasting) it's so-o-o-o smooth-tasting, and ain't that wild, and let's do a story about it! Recently, Indonesia's highest Islamic authority considered a fatwa against Kopi Luwak but now says the coffee is OK as long as--duh--you wash the beans. The Jakarta Globe
Update: Wesley Snipes was convicted of three misdemeanor tax-avoiding charges in 2008 and sentenced to a year each, to run consecutively, and appealed, calling the sentence too harsh, but now the appeals court has turned him down. [ed.: And it was too harsh . . except that what the judge knew that the jury didn't was that Wesley had smart-assed his way for years with IRS agents, calling them morons for underappreciating his bogus legal theories that he is beyond the tax laws. The jury compromised on what should have been a boom-lowering, perhaps based on low-balling Wesley's IQ because he "fell for" such a scheme. All the sentencing judge did was make sure that Wesley got the max allowable on the three counts the jury settled for.] St. Petersburg Times
Update: Those three overpaid city officials in Bell, Calif., from last week? They've resigned after outraged citizens marched on city hall. (Bonus: The citizens aren't done yet!) Los Angeles Times
Recurring Ways to Die Undignified Deaths: (1) An 85-year-old man in Whitewater Township, Ohio, is the latest to be found dead in his yard with his feet sticking up, having fallen in head-first while working on his septic tank. (2) Irshad Khan and an assistant are the latest of the seemingly endless supply of clumsy Muslim jihadists, having accidentally blown themselves up in Pakistan. (3) In Marin County, Calif., a 17-year-old boy fell to his death on the Coastal Trail, perhaps, authorities say, while busy on his cell phone. Cincinnati Enquirer /// BBC News /// KTVU-TV (Oakland, Calif.)
And for Further Review . . .
You know the stories. A parent forgets that his tiny toddler is in the back seat and leaves him there while at work or shopping, and sometimes the baby doesn't make it. This is actually regarded by some people in America as a morally hazy area. It seemed clear to Your Editor that it was weird to be so distracted even though you are supposedly "caring for" an infant in your car. Subsequently, I read stories, and a few readers wrote me, pointing out that, hey, we're all busy, and we lead complicated lives, and it's not that hard to forget about your tiny little urchin in the back seat, that it's happened to them or to someone they know. Oh really? OK, enter David Bell of Menlo Park, Calif., who has studied up such things as attention span and the psychology of learning and now will sell you a VizKID that you stick in the front seat when your urchin is in back. $19.95. OK, good for David. But it's not a morally hazy subject. San Jose Mercury News /// VizKID
Newsrangers: Alyssa Ure, Gerald Sacks, Trace DeHaven, Jessica Robinson, Nigel Parry, Mark Hazelrigg, Kelly Egnitz, Raymond Johnston, J.W. Gantz, Jim Dukes, and Stacy Moore, and the News of the Weird Board of Editorial Advisors
Monday, July 19, 2010
News of the Weird/Pro Edition
You're Still Not Cynical Enough
Prime Cuts of Underreported News from Last Week, Hand-Picked and Lightly Seasoned by Chuck Shepherd
July 19, 2010
(datelines July 10-July 17) (links correct as of July 19)
© 2010 by Chuck Shepherd. All rights reserved.
"We're Number One, Baby!" Plus Fatal Acne-Picking, Shoveling Out Fat, and Poor "Christie Brinkley"
★ ★ ★ ★ ★!
New World Leader (Among People with "Camel Sex" on Their Minds): Googlistas have tallied search terms per ip-address location and concluded that since 2007, by one measure, the leading country for that (also, "donkey sex") is Pakistan . . which also leads in "rape pictures," "rape sex," "child sex," "dog sex," and so forth. Associated Press via Fox News
(Update) The Market Responds: Alvin Greene Action Toys! That South Carolina U.S. Senate candidate whose out-of-the-box thinking about jobs (e.g., sell "action figures of me") got his wish, sorta. The out-of-the-box Charleston RiverDogs minor league baseball team (proprietor, M. Veeck, a special name in baseball lore) was scheduled, over the weekend, to give away Statue of Liberty toys with Greene's photo pasted on. Associated Press via Business Week
Suspicion Confirmed: Why, of course Allah still heard y'all's prayers, said the highest Islamic authority in Indonesia, even though y'all have not been facing Mecca when you pray for a long time now--ever since we told you wrong. Our bad. From now on, y'all need to nudge over a little to your right. Reuters
Manuel "Lefty" Hernandez, 28, Springfield, Mass., was charged with snatching a man's wallet (probably with his left hand, as that's the only one he has). Police could have charged him with a felony if he had had a weapon, but they said he was unarmed. The Republican (Springfield)
British Ninnies (continued): The Exchange mall in Rochdale, England, caved in to local Asian-immigrant activists and announced it'd convert two of its deluxe toilet stalls to . . "squat toilets," i.e., deluxe holes in the floor. Don't want local Pakistanis and Bangladeshis getting constipated by having to sit down! Daily Mail
Overcoming Adversity, Aspiring to Greatness! A man believed to be in his 70s, with cane and gun and carrying his oxygen tank, failed in an attempt to rob an upscale clothing store in New York City, firing shots in frustration ("You want one? [bam!] You want another one?") (Update: Turns out he was only 63 and, after a police chase, he is no longer with us, anyway.) New York Post /// CNN
The State of Academic Research: (1) A study in the Journal of the American Geriatrics Society reported that women with big hips ("pear-shaped" bodies) have worse memories than women who are round overall ("apple-shaped"). (2) Researchers from Britain's Manchester University have helpfully produced, via mathematical formula, "the perfect handshake." The lead guy said he was surprised to find that there were no such guides before now. BBC News /// Agence France-Presse via Google News /// Newspress.co.uk [longer version; link from Nothing to Do with Arbroath]
Losers
Police in Cinnaminson, N.J., said Ronald White, 35, made some really bad counterfeit $20's, really bad, but on the other hand, when he bonded out of the police station that night, the cashier accepted a few of his $20's stuffed among the real $20's he put down. (Bonus: That doesn't make White a Loser, in itself, but then he came back to the station later to complain that he was overcharged, and they discovered the bogus bills.) Philadelphia Inquirer
Thinning the Herd: The plan of Dwayne Moten, 20, was for his buddy to shoot him so he could blame it on his wife's boyfriend and get custody again of his son, but the friend apparently aimed badly, and Mr. Moten is on to the next life. KDFI-TV (Dallas-Fort Worth)
A 47-year-old man from Las Cruces, N.M., got torched, but it was fair-and-square. He lost a drinking bet with his buddies, meaning they got to set him on fire . . . well, set his prosthetic leg on fire, but it spread. El Paso Times
Sara Blasse, of Camden County, N.J., wrecked her car and was thus called upon for an excuse, and the winner was that the car was hijacked . . until cops saw right through that . . so second-place excuse went to . . doing oral sex on her boyfriend in the front seat . . but that didn't work, either. She finally confessed. She was, indeed trying to hurry away after stealing a laptop computer. (Bonus: Mugshot!) Philadelphia Daily News /// KSAZ-TV (Phoenix)
Strange World
Potential Game-Changers: (1) An administrative court in Munster, Germany, has agreed with cop Martin Schauder, 44, that he deserves overtime pay (with years of back pay!) for all the time it takes him to get in and out of his bulky uniform. (2) Australian schoolteacher Valissa Bauer, 39, filed a lawsuit worth about $765,000 (U.S.) because the school system, north of Brisbane, stuck her in a class of 31 special needs kids, causing her to wreck her larynx yelling at them. Daily Telegraph (London) /// The Sunday Mail (Brisbane) via Herald Sun (Melbourne)
The Most Effective Way Yet (to Make Sure You Get HIV): Health officials in several African cities told the New York Times that they know of heroin addicts who are injecting a small amount of their own (heroin-laced) blood into their addicted pals (What are friends for?) who need a quick fix. New York Times
The brave, death-wish journalists at China's Zhejiang Daily shouted out at the "Detention Center Management Bureau" of the "Public Security Ministry." Those are prison officials who had reported (with straight faces) certain inmate deaths as coming from: "bumping into a wall" (while playing blind man's buff with other inmates), "picking at his acne" too much, "showering" (probably meaning beaten to death for refusing to shower), and "improper" sleeping position. (At press time, the journalists were still in business.) The Australian
What happens when London's "restaurant district" gets a fat-clogging sewer backup? Workers have to shovel out the fat like miners. The Independent [photo!]
The Pervo-American Community
Registered sex offender Michael Light, 40, in Fairborn, Ohio, was arrested after asking a fire marshal (and ultimately cops) directions to the Little Miss Fairborn pageant he was on his way to photograph. ("Little miss"-type activities are exactly what got him in trouble in the first place.) (Bonus: He actually would've been on his way to pedophilic bliss had he just left the attitude at home.) Dayton Daily News
Armand Pacher, 64, was arrested in Aventura, Fla. (just north of Miami Beach), and charged with having sex with his dog (named "Christie Brinkley"). Allegedly, he told a vet's receptionist, "She doesn't seem to enjoy it as much when we have sex." (Hoax Code Yellow: Pacher's lawyer said that was just a joke and that Aventura police are way behind the curve on hip humor.) Miami Herald
Your Weekly Jury Duty
[In America, you're presumed innocent . . . until the mug shot is released]
It's up to you to decide: When Ms. Aset Magomadova of Calgary, Alberta, strangled her 14-year-old daughter, was it murder or self-defense? CNews.canoe.ca
Jesse Thornhill, 28, and who obviously has spent quite some time thinking about how to present himself to the world, was charged in Tulsa, Okla., with trying to run down his landlord. The Smoking Gun
That's Messed Up
Uncompelling Explanation: Lawyer James Mason, defending a murder client in Atlanta, told an "NBC Dateline" reporter that his man could not have done what the prosecutor said because it is physically impossible for a person to travel from the Atlanta airport to the La Quinta Inn three miles away within the 28-minute crime timeline. "I challenge anybody to show me," he said on national TV. "I'll pay them $1 million if they can do so." Enter Dustin Kolodziej of San Antonio, Tex., who, documenting everything, made it in 19 minutes. Mason: Ehhhh . . . that was just a figure of speech. Now in federal court in Atlanta: Kolodziej v. Mason. Texas Lawyer
God's Will: At the Rock Lake Methodist Church Bible Camp in Montcalm County, Mich., four teenagers were hospitalized after lightning struck their tent. WWTV (Cadillac, Mich.)
Kenneth Hoknes, 44, of Edmonton, Alberta, outsmarted himself, beating the rap for some "bizarre break-ins" on the ground of "Not Criminally Responsible," i.e., nuts. But then it dawned on him that that "NCR" thing would follow him around for a while and thus sought to have a court overturn it. Denied. Toronto Sun
Police in Beatrice, Neb. (pop. 12,400), acting on . . a . . complaint, made some adjustments to the front window of a store because the pants of an ordinary clothing-store mannequin had fallen down. In Beatrice, this constitutes at least a close call on whether the U.S. Supreme Court's "community standards" test for "obscenity" is met. Beatrice Daily Sun [link from Obscure Store]
U.S. Immigration Policy, Explained: Jose Madrigal-Lopez, 46, an illegal immigrant, pleaded guilty to a misdemeanor sexual exposure charge in Seattle (it had been for rape, but the prosecutors said they lacked enough evidence), and was released to go on about his business. Deport him? He's already been deported 10 times. Keeps coming back. Seattle Times
Updates & Recurring Themes
Update: That $1.25 million for Arizona to build road crossings to save the Mount Graham red squirrels [NOTW M170, 7-11-2010]? Canceled. Apparently, officials actually got around to reading the public comments (required on federal projects), i.e., too many "WTF?"s. Eastern Arizona Courier (Safford, Ariz.)
Update: Luck ran out for Sheyla Hershey of Houston, Tex. [NOTW Daily, 2-9-2009], who says she's on about Plastic Surgery #30, a number which includes several breast augmentations in ever-increasing sizes, with her most recent (done in Brazil because no licensed doc in Texas would touch her) to "M" cups. She finally got a life-threatening staph infection. KRIV-TV (Houston)
Recurring: In other breast news, the issue of how long mom breastsfeeds is on the table again, this time in Melbourne, Australia, where biological parents are trying to wrest custody of their almost-age-7 son from the caregiver who has raised him. The biological mom is evidently trying every trick in the book during visitation, including pressuring him to suckle, and the kid doesn't like it a bit. Herald Sun
Recurring: Stuff still happens: Another dog shoots his owner. Someone else gets run over by his own car. A perp making a getaway accidentally runs into a police training class. Somebody gets screwed because he can't spell. New Zealand Herald /// Houston Chronicle /// KIRO-TV (Seattle) /// Naples Daily News
Weird 2.0
"To see what is in front of one's nose requires a constant struggle"—George Orwell
"That's close enough for government work"—unknown
"Nero Fiddles While Rome Burns"—Rome Daily Inquirer, 7-18-64A.D.
Bell, Calif. (pop. 36,000, mostly working-class Latinos, about 7 miles south of Dodger Stadium), runs the city on the cheap--except for executive salaries (city manager, nearly $800,000 a year, police chief, $457,000, council members, $100,000 each). (Council members for a typical California town that size: $400/month) (Police chief of Los Angeles, with 280 times more officers, makes $307,000). (Bonus: The city manager was defiant because . . he's not paying himself any more than he could be making on the outside.) Los Angeles Times
"In fact, given the [Fourth, of the First Armored Division] brigade's record at Fort Bliss [Texas] of suicide, murder, assault, drunken driving, and drug use, its troops are statistically at greater risk at home than while deployed in Iraq." Past year: 1 combat death. In last year of stats (2008) stateside, 7 died, 6 others committed crimes that took the lives of 4 more. New York Times
It's a good thing that the International Red Cross, the Clinton Foundation, Doctors Without Borders, etc., are providing relief to Haiti because the nations of the world, who pledged $5.3 billion in March, have come through with practically bupkis. Only four pledgers have actually given even a dime: Brazil, Norway, Estonia, and Australia. The U.S.'s $1.15 billion is, y'know, tied up in some Congressional committee. CNN
About that "Barefoot Bandit" that so captured the nation's headline writers last week: In the last three years, he stole five planes from airports in the U.S., which is five of the estimated 100 or so that have been stolen at U.S. airports since September 11, 2001. (But . . . Heyyyy, what's in that shampoo bottle?) AOL News
Tex-Ass Justice (continued): The good news is that a hotshot public defender is finally on the case, and hope reigns. The bad news is that deaf petty criminal Stephen Brodie is still in prison for sexually assaulting a 5-year-old girl--a crime he almost certainly did not commit. Said the late-learning Brodie, "If they find me not guilty, and I'm exonerated, I'm getting out of Texas." Associated Press via Washington Post
The Man with 100-Pound Balls: "But Leonard Jones, director of marketing at Lorillard Tobacco Company, said that 'ethnicity does not play a role' in marketing strategies for the Newport menthol cigarette [popular among black smokers, since forever]. 'We don't collect or retain information on ethnicity in our marketing data base.'" CNN
And for Further Review . . .
Lorraine Johnson of Toronto hardly seemed to mind the notoriety she's surely in for. Somehow, Toronto Star reporter Amy Dempsey got Johnson to go on the record in identifying the plentiful shade trees at Christie Pits Park. They're called "stink trees," "ghetto palms," or . . . "semen trees." Why is that, Lorraine? "There's no doubt. It smells like semen." Toronto Star
Newsrangers: Mitch Marcus, Gil Nelson, Russell Bell, Sid Sidner, Bruce Leiserowitz, Mark Dubbin, Daryl Bevivino, Gerald Sacks, Steve Dunn, Wes Jones, Mike Briggs, Don Tyler, Debra Taylor, and Eliza Strode, and the News of the Weird Board of Editorial Advisors
You're Still Not Cynical Enough
Prime Cuts of Underreported News from Last Week, Hand-Picked and Lightly Seasoned by Chuck Shepherd
July 19, 2010
(datelines July 10-July 17) (links correct as of July 19)
© 2010 by Chuck Shepherd. All rights reserved.
"We're Number One, Baby!" Plus Fatal Acne-Picking, Shoveling Out Fat, and Poor "Christie Brinkley"
★ ★ ★ ★ ★!
New World Leader (Among People with "Camel Sex" on Their Minds): Googlistas have tallied search terms per ip-address location and concluded that since 2007, by one measure, the leading country for that (also, "donkey sex") is Pakistan . . which also leads in "rape pictures," "rape sex," "child sex," "dog sex," and so forth. Associated Press via Fox News
(Update) The Market Responds: Alvin Greene Action Toys! That South Carolina U.S. Senate candidate whose out-of-the-box thinking about jobs (e.g., sell "action figures of me") got his wish, sorta. The out-of-the-box Charleston RiverDogs minor league baseball team (proprietor, M. Veeck, a special name in baseball lore) was scheduled, over the weekend, to give away Statue of Liberty toys with Greene's photo pasted on. Associated Press via Business Week
Suspicion Confirmed: Why, of course Allah still heard y'all's prayers, said the highest Islamic authority in Indonesia, even though y'all have not been facing Mecca when you pray for a long time now--ever since we told you wrong. Our bad. From now on, y'all need to nudge over a little to your right. Reuters
Manuel "Lefty" Hernandez, 28, Springfield, Mass., was charged with snatching a man's wallet (probably with his left hand, as that's the only one he has). Police could have charged him with a felony if he had had a weapon, but they said he was unarmed. The Republican (Springfield)
British Ninnies (continued): The Exchange mall in Rochdale, England, caved in to local Asian-immigrant activists and announced it'd convert two of its deluxe toilet stalls to . . "squat toilets," i.e., deluxe holes in the floor. Don't want local Pakistanis and Bangladeshis getting constipated by having to sit down! Daily Mail
Overcoming Adversity, Aspiring to Greatness! A man believed to be in his 70s, with cane and gun and carrying his oxygen tank, failed in an attempt to rob an upscale clothing store in New York City, firing shots in frustration ("You want one? [bam!] You want another one?") (Update: Turns out he was only 63 and, after a police chase, he is no longer with us, anyway.) New York Post /// CNN
The State of Academic Research: (1) A study in the Journal of the American Geriatrics Society reported that women with big hips ("pear-shaped" bodies) have worse memories than women who are round overall ("apple-shaped"). (2) Researchers from Britain's Manchester University have helpfully produced, via mathematical formula, "the perfect handshake." The lead guy said he was surprised to find that there were no such guides before now. BBC News /// Agence France-Presse via Google News /// Newspress.co.uk [longer version; link from Nothing to Do with Arbroath]
Losers
Police in Cinnaminson, N.J., said Ronald White, 35, made some really bad counterfeit $20's, really bad, but on the other hand, when he bonded out of the police station that night, the cashier accepted a few of his $20's stuffed among the real $20's he put down. (Bonus: That doesn't make White a Loser, in itself, but then he came back to the station later to complain that he was overcharged, and they discovered the bogus bills.) Philadelphia Inquirer
Thinning the Herd: The plan of Dwayne Moten, 20, was for his buddy to shoot him so he could blame it on his wife's boyfriend and get custody again of his son, but the friend apparently aimed badly, and Mr. Moten is on to the next life. KDFI-TV (Dallas-Fort Worth)
A 47-year-old man from Las Cruces, N.M., got torched, but it was fair-and-square. He lost a drinking bet with his buddies, meaning they got to set him on fire . . . well, set his prosthetic leg on fire, but it spread. El Paso Times
Sara Blasse, of Camden County, N.J., wrecked her car and was thus called upon for an excuse, and the winner was that the car was hijacked . . until cops saw right through that . . so second-place excuse went to . . doing oral sex on her boyfriend in the front seat . . but that didn't work, either. She finally confessed. She was, indeed trying to hurry away after stealing a laptop computer. (Bonus: Mugshot!) Philadelphia Daily News /// KSAZ-TV (Phoenix)
Strange World
Potential Game-Changers: (1) An administrative court in Munster, Germany, has agreed with cop Martin Schauder, 44, that he deserves overtime pay (with years of back pay!) for all the time it takes him to get in and out of his bulky uniform. (2) Australian schoolteacher Valissa Bauer, 39, filed a lawsuit worth about $765,000 (U.S.) because the school system, north of Brisbane, stuck her in a class of 31 special needs kids, causing her to wreck her larynx yelling at them. Daily Telegraph (London) /// The Sunday Mail (Brisbane) via Herald Sun (Melbourne)
The Most Effective Way Yet (to Make Sure You Get HIV): Health officials in several African cities told the New York Times that they know of heroin addicts who are injecting a small amount of their own (heroin-laced) blood into their addicted pals (What are friends for?) who need a quick fix. New York Times
The brave, death-wish journalists at China's Zhejiang Daily shouted out at the "Detention Center Management Bureau" of the "Public Security Ministry." Those are prison officials who had reported (with straight faces) certain inmate deaths as coming from: "bumping into a wall" (while playing blind man's buff with other inmates), "picking at his acne" too much, "showering" (probably meaning beaten to death for refusing to shower), and "improper" sleeping position. (At press time, the journalists were still in business.) The Australian
What happens when London's "restaurant district" gets a fat-clogging sewer backup? Workers have to shovel out the fat like miners. The Independent [photo!]
The Pervo-American Community
Registered sex offender Michael Light, 40, in Fairborn, Ohio, was arrested after asking a fire marshal (and ultimately cops) directions to the Little Miss Fairborn pageant he was on his way to photograph. ("Little miss"-type activities are exactly what got him in trouble in the first place.) (Bonus: He actually would've been on his way to pedophilic bliss had he just left the attitude at home.) Dayton Daily News
Armand Pacher, 64, was arrested in Aventura, Fla. (just north of Miami Beach), and charged with having sex with his dog (named "Christie Brinkley"). Allegedly, he told a vet's receptionist, "She doesn't seem to enjoy it as much when we have sex." (Hoax Code Yellow: Pacher's lawyer said that was just a joke and that Aventura police are way behind the curve on hip humor.) Miami Herald
Your Weekly Jury Duty
[In America, you're presumed innocent . . . until the mug shot is released]
It's up to you to decide: When Ms. Aset Magomadova of Calgary, Alberta, strangled her 14-year-old daughter, was it murder or self-defense? CNews.canoe.ca
Jesse Thornhill, 28, and who obviously has spent quite some time thinking about how to present himself to the world, was charged in Tulsa, Okla., with trying to run down his landlord. The Smoking Gun
That's Messed Up
Uncompelling Explanation: Lawyer James Mason, defending a murder client in Atlanta, told an "NBC Dateline" reporter that his man could not have done what the prosecutor said because it is physically impossible for a person to travel from the Atlanta airport to the La Quinta Inn three miles away within the 28-minute crime timeline. "I challenge anybody to show me," he said on national TV. "I'll pay them $1 million if they can do so." Enter Dustin Kolodziej of San Antonio, Tex., who, documenting everything, made it in 19 minutes. Mason: Ehhhh . . . that was just a figure of speech. Now in federal court in Atlanta: Kolodziej v. Mason. Texas Lawyer
God's Will: At the Rock Lake Methodist Church Bible Camp in Montcalm County, Mich., four teenagers were hospitalized after lightning struck their tent. WWTV (Cadillac, Mich.)
Kenneth Hoknes, 44, of Edmonton, Alberta, outsmarted himself, beating the rap for some "bizarre break-ins" on the ground of "Not Criminally Responsible," i.e., nuts. But then it dawned on him that that "NCR" thing would follow him around for a while and thus sought to have a court overturn it. Denied. Toronto Sun
Police in Beatrice, Neb. (pop. 12,400), acting on . . a . . complaint, made some adjustments to the front window of a store because the pants of an ordinary clothing-store mannequin had fallen down. In Beatrice, this constitutes at least a close call on whether the U.S. Supreme Court's "community standards" test for "obscenity" is met. Beatrice Daily Sun [link from Obscure Store]
U.S. Immigration Policy, Explained: Jose Madrigal-Lopez, 46, an illegal immigrant, pleaded guilty to a misdemeanor sexual exposure charge in Seattle (it had been for rape, but the prosecutors said they lacked enough evidence), and was released to go on about his business. Deport him? He's already been deported 10 times. Keeps coming back. Seattle Times
Updates & Recurring Themes
Update: That $1.25 million for Arizona to build road crossings to save the Mount Graham red squirrels [NOTW M170, 7-11-2010]? Canceled. Apparently, officials actually got around to reading the public comments (required on federal projects), i.e., too many "WTF?"s. Eastern Arizona Courier (Safford, Ariz.)
Update: Luck ran out for Sheyla Hershey of Houston, Tex. [NOTW Daily, 2-9-2009], who says she's on about Plastic Surgery #30, a number which includes several breast augmentations in ever-increasing sizes, with her most recent (done in Brazil because no licensed doc in Texas would touch her) to "M" cups. She finally got a life-threatening staph infection. KRIV-TV (Houston)
Recurring: In other breast news, the issue of how long mom breastsfeeds is on the table again, this time in Melbourne, Australia, where biological parents are trying to wrest custody of their almost-age-7 son from the caregiver who has raised him. The biological mom is evidently trying every trick in the book during visitation, including pressuring him to suckle, and the kid doesn't like it a bit. Herald Sun
Recurring: Stuff still happens: Another dog shoots his owner. Someone else gets run over by his own car. A perp making a getaway accidentally runs into a police training class. Somebody gets screwed because he can't spell. New Zealand Herald /// Houston Chronicle /// KIRO-TV (Seattle) /// Naples Daily News
Weird 2.0
"To see what is in front of one's nose requires a constant struggle"—George Orwell
"That's close enough for government work"—unknown
"Nero Fiddles While Rome Burns"—Rome Daily Inquirer, 7-18-64A.D.
Bell, Calif. (pop. 36,000, mostly working-class Latinos, about 7 miles south of Dodger Stadium), runs the city on the cheap--except for executive salaries (city manager, nearly $800,000 a year, police chief, $457,000, council members, $100,000 each). (Council members for a typical California town that size: $400/month) (Police chief of Los Angeles, with 280 times more officers, makes $307,000). (Bonus: The city manager was defiant because . . he's not paying himself any more than he could be making on the outside.) Los Angeles Times
"In fact, given the [Fourth, of the First Armored Division] brigade's record at Fort Bliss [Texas] of suicide, murder, assault, drunken driving, and drug use, its troops are statistically at greater risk at home than while deployed in Iraq." Past year: 1 combat death. In last year of stats (2008) stateside, 7 died, 6 others committed crimes that took the lives of 4 more. New York Times
It's a good thing that the International Red Cross, the Clinton Foundation, Doctors Without Borders, etc., are providing relief to Haiti because the nations of the world, who pledged $5.3 billion in March, have come through with practically bupkis. Only four pledgers have actually given even a dime: Brazil, Norway, Estonia, and Australia. The U.S.'s $1.15 billion is, y'know, tied up in some Congressional committee. CNN
About that "Barefoot Bandit" that so captured the nation's headline writers last week: In the last three years, he stole five planes from airports in the U.S., which is five of the estimated 100 or so that have been stolen at U.S. airports since September 11, 2001. (But . . . Heyyyy, what's in that shampoo bottle?) AOL News
Tex-Ass Justice (continued): The good news is that a hotshot public defender is finally on the case, and hope reigns. The bad news is that deaf petty criminal Stephen Brodie is still in prison for sexually assaulting a 5-year-old girl--a crime he almost certainly did not commit. Said the late-learning Brodie, "If they find me not guilty, and I'm exonerated, I'm getting out of Texas." Associated Press via Washington Post
The Man with 100-Pound Balls: "But Leonard Jones, director of marketing at Lorillard Tobacco Company, said that 'ethnicity does not play a role' in marketing strategies for the Newport menthol cigarette [popular among black smokers, since forever]. 'We don't collect or retain information on ethnicity in our marketing data base.'" CNN
And for Further Review . . .
Lorraine Johnson of Toronto hardly seemed to mind the notoriety she's surely in for. Somehow, Toronto Star reporter Amy Dempsey got Johnson to go on the record in identifying the plentiful shade trees at Christie Pits Park. They're called "stink trees," "ghetto palms," or . . . "semen trees." Why is that, Lorraine? "There's no doubt. It smells like semen." Toronto Star
Newsrangers: Mitch Marcus, Gil Nelson, Russell Bell, Sid Sidner, Bruce Leiserowitz, Mark Dubbin, Daryl Bevivino, Gerald Sacks, Steve Dunn, Wes Jones, Mike Briggs, Don Tyler, Debra Taylor, and Eliza Strode, and the News of the Weird Board of Editorial Advisors
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